When the Wedding Bells Ring: A Note On Singleness

Have you ever seen the movie "How to Be Single"? Its a movie that was released in the last few years. The story follows a newly single, post-graduate woman living in NYC who learns for the first time how to do life without a man to rely on. Pushing aside responsibility, she is encouraged to drink her worries away and sleep around when she feels like it but ultimately gets herself emotionally conflicted over several different men and the movie ends with her learning the beauty of friendships and the ambiguous nature of singleness. I couldn't help but feel frustrated. I've been single for years (so don't ask me for relationship advice) and I've reached a lot of positive realizations of how to look at this temporary time.  So, as friends gets engaged and weddings take up your weekends, here are some things I've personally learned that might help you navigate this maze of singleness as the wedding bells ring.

1. Every season has its struggles. I think the temptation for me in this time is to either exaggerate the struggles I have or to totally discount them.  Neither approach is healthy however. The fact is, this is a time that can be difficult. I shouldn't discount my nights of loneliness or the discouragement of a potential relationship abruptly ending. No, these feelings are real and they are okay.  The fact is that every season of our lives will have special exceptions and hardships.  For us young singles, this is a time to sift through how we personally handle disappointment for the first time. For the older singles, its a time to readjust expectations, because in reality many things in life never come when or how we expect.

2. Be the person now that you want to be. I think there are unvocalized expectations that we will be, act, live, the way we want when we're finally married. There are many things I've seen in other people that I've admired and told myself "I'd like to be like that when I'm married" and yet I fail to cultivate these qualities now.  This past year I've identified and grown in areas of hospitality, managing my finances, living with close friends, pursuing qualities of generosity, listening, drawing people out, patience, mentally challenging myself, trying new things etc.

3. Pray. I know this sounds so cliche for those of us who are followers of Jesus, but I mean it. I pray for my future husband, that until we meet, God would bring him through trials and lessons that will prepare him to be the best man for me.  And I pray the same for myself - until the day I say "I do" God would bring valleys and mountains in my life that grow me and mold me to be the best person I can be for him. I've stopped making a "list" of expectations, and instead petitioned God about the desires of my heart and, knowing that he has already shaped my future, I'm able to trust him in every step and with every encounter.   I've surrendered my life, including my single and married years to Him so its up to him to do with it what he wants. I'm so excited to be able to share with you one day about the marvelous story of two lives aligned with Christ ended up entwined together.  Man, what a joyous day that will be for me!

4. Get to know yourself. Take yourself of dates. Take the time that would be going out with that person to read the book you've been wanting to or finish that project in your apartment you've been putting aside. Take the time and make something out of it. I am such an extrovert but over the past few years of living on my own, I have loved getting to know me, what I like and don't like, and to love going to the beach or river park at sunset by myself to calm my soul. I've learned to enjoy and seek solitude, to be comfortable with my own thoughts and silence. This didn't happen overnight, this has been growth over several years. Go take yourself to see that new movie that you've been dying to see!

5. Learn to love people best. Love your family on a new level. Strengthen those ties and establish a deeper tie. Because I only have me to worry about, its allowed me to focus on those around me and pursue and invest in old and new relationships. I have been able to use my independence to invest in my family and friends, to serve in my church and local community, to give my time and love to others without having to run my every (sometimes crazy) decision with anyone else.

6. Stick to your guns.  You say you need a some time away from romantic relationships? Then don't go on tinder. You truly want to learn how to get to know yourself? Then go out and do something you've always wanted to try. You want to stay away from certain guys? Don't message them back. If you make a plan or commitment, follow through. I know too many girls that say they need time to grow as a person and in their relationship with God but jump in with the next boy that gives them attention. It makes me sad, because I see them betraying their own self by not sticking by what they committed to and there is so much strength in being able to trust your own word.

7. Pursue Jesus like you would a significant other.  Okay, I know this sounds super weird and you can go ahead a judge me all you like, but hear me out.  But I promise if you try it, you'll find something's different. Now, I'm definitely not the "Jesus-is-your-boyfriend" type person (I hate when people say that), but as a follower of Jesus, I've grown in my understanding that this isn't about a list of rules that some ancient teacher set up, its about a relationship with a living person, Jesus. So if I treated Jesus as intentionally and lovingly as I would a significant other, what would it look like? Am I keeping in touch with him every day, finding out what's on his agenda, letting his love and his plans for me intwine with my life? Am I setting aside time to spend just the two of us, to learn more about him, to love him better? Am I allowing myself to open up and let him care and love me best? Am I turning to him in my hurt and need instead of closing up and trying to do everything in my own will power? It changes everything, once I look at it like that.  Maybe it will for you too.

8. Embrace the unknown.  Easier said than done, Bekah. I know. But isn't facing an unknown future the test of our faith? It ties back to surrender and prayer. My belief that God is in control in this arena has grown not only but watching his faithfulness in my life, but also in conversation with others about how what God has done in their lives, and how he has soveriengly brought couples together.

Singleness is hard sometimes, I know. Making dinner for one can get lonely (but I always throw on some jazz music; it makes everything better). Helping your best friend get engaged or watching a couple cuddle on the couch next to you can pierce a sore spot, but its not an all consuming season. Singleness and the independence that it brings can be a BLAST!! Take the time to think about where you're at. Are you viewing this time as important and purposeful?  Friends, this is hard but man oh man it can be so FUN! Cling to the good and fight through the bad. After all, I've found a relationship isn't the end goal for me, Jesus is. I hope you realize that too.

I Only Have One New Years Resolution

      New Years Day came and went.  And guess where I was? Working a 12 hour shift. This isn't unusual for me; I've worked all through school. But things have been hard lately.  I've been overworking and underfeeding myself in every area of my life - physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I've been so focused on studies that I don't make myself dinner.  I've packed my life with school and work and ministry that I've neglected my physical health and thus my emotional and mental as a result. I've been so focused on showing up to the ministry I'm involved in that I haven't given myself time to be still and have a quality relationship with Jesus. So basically, I've let myself down in a lot of ways.  As a result, I've also let others down because I'm not being responsible with who and what God has placed in front of me.

Things needed to change.  Here's my single New Years resolution for 2017. Its only one.

Be faithful.

     Why, you might ask? Recently I recognized in myself that I've been striving so hard for my dreams that I've neglected the present. I took time between Christmas and New Years to seriously evaluate myself. What is the attitude of my heart? What is making me anxious? What future plans are stealing my present focus? Why is my spiritual life not filling me to overflowing? How am I praying intentionally for those around me and for myself? What worries do I have for next year? What things did I do wrong this year that held me back and negatively impacted others? What changes do I need to make for a healthier me? The result was awareness of huge laps in my spiritual health that were negatively effecting every area of my life.

     A few days ago, I had the immense privilege of attending Passion 2017 conference in Atlanta, GA. In a giant stadium, 55,000+ college students worshiped together and listened to Christian authors and teachers share, encourage, and challenge my generation. There were many things I still mull over in my heart, but together the take-away cumulated to this: to be faithful in the future is to be faithful now. Christine Caine challenged us to endure when hardship comes. Dr. John Piper shared that the essence of evil to actually prefer things over Christ.  Beth Moore challenged us to not look for short cuts in a long-term call. Levi Lusko reminded us that hardships will come and to be the fragrance of Christ we will be crushed and must endure. As I'm looking to graduate college soon and continue to pursue the dreams God has placed on my heart, I now recognize I must be faithful everyday, in the quiet and difficulty, in order to be faithful long term.

Passion2017 

     I'm choosing to walk faithful today. Tomorrow will worry about itself. But today, I'm choosing to be faithful to Christ. I'm choosing to be faithful to him by taking care of my body. I'm choosing to be faithful to him by saying "no" when I have too much going on. I'm choosing to be faithful to him by making time for him in the midst of stress and chaos.  I'm choosing to be faithful to him in how I prioritize my time and make my decisions.  I'm choosing to be faithful to him by purposefully praying for my family and those he's placed in my path. I'm choosing to be faithful to him as I pray for direction for the future.

     This one resolution has a widespread impact on my life because its not about a list, its about a heart shift and an attitude readjustment. My eyes are focused on the prize; Jesus, here and now. And that changes everything.

8 Things I've Learned As A Twenty-One-Year-Old

       When I was a kid I used to think that adults had life all figured out. In my ignorance I assumed I'd just have it all together once I hit my twenties and that my life would unfold into a seamless fairytale of adventure and romance. HA. Now that I'm twenty-one and an "official" adult, I can say that statement is very inaccurate.  I don't have my life all together, it is far from a fairytale, and the exciting adventures and romance are terribly lacking.  In the midst of fumbling about in this obstacle course called "life," however, I have found being adult has led me to deeper joy, closer relationships, and increasing faith in my king, Jesus Christ. Here are eight things that I've learned this past year as a twenty-year-old.

1. Be the person I've always wanted to be.  When I was a kid I wanted to be the kind of person who kept all my belongings with an open hand ready to give and serve to anyone in need. This a quality I have striven for this year through prayer and making giving a habit. If I die tomorrow I don't want to have any regrets that I wasn't trying to be the best version of myself I could be. 

2. Loving people is hard work. I've come to see that truly loving someone sometimes means running towards tough situations to work them out rather than ignoring them or running away. Through conflict I've seen my weaknesses so much more clearly and realized what a difficult person I can be. There have been some very hard lessons and some humbled tears but in the end I now see more clearly the beauty of asking forgiveness and my desperate need for Jesus every day.

3. Friendships come and go. Especially in ministry, God often calls people away but also brings people into my life very suddenly. Many of my close friends have moved away but many dear friends now have only been in my life a few months. I've learned to enjoy my friends fully while I have them but also hold them with an open hand, knowng that God is sovereign over their lives and might call them to another place at any point. I know now to make the most of every opportunity to get to know and cherish these people.

4. The importance of taking care of myself.  I spent the first half of 2015 very sick and found out the hard way the value of self care.  I have Celiac Disease which is an autoimmune disorder where I have to stay far away from gluten (a protein found in wheat, barley, and rye).  It was triggered by my lack of sleep and (bascially non-existing) self care habits. From this I learned that while school and people are important, sleep, a balanced diet, exerise, and time alone is irreplaceable and will benefit me in the long run.  My mom and grandma have been absolute champs this year in helping me regulate my diet and being my food allergy cheerleaders.  Thanks Mom and Nonnie!

5. Adventures are always right around the corner.  My whole mentality changed this year when I realized any simple moment can become an adventure if I'm willing to look at it that way thanks to the wonderful influence of my roommates.  Since then, I have become familiar with Charleston art galleries and racked up many cherished memories at Folly Beach.

6. Every person has a story. I always knew that to be true, but this year I've come to experience that on a whole new level. I had the privilege of interacting with many different types of people with many different illnesses and backgrounds thanks to my nursing studies and it has led me to love hearing stranger's stories and never judge a book by its cover. Even with my friends and family, I'm learning to stop assuming and how to ask better questions to understand them.

7. There is joy in singleness. When I was in high school I honestly thought I'd be dating at this age, possibly even close to engagement.  God had other and much more marvelous plans.  In my singleness this year I have learned joy - the joy of hospitality, the joy of solitude, the joy of sister friendships, the joy of serving freely, and the joy of self-discovery. I'm not going to lie and tell you that being single has been easy but every stage of life has its own struggles and this is one stage I'm finding joy in.

8. Being in relationship with Jesus only gets better. I've heard some older Christians say about new Christians "just wait until they've been a Christian as long as I have and the excitement dies down, then they'll see what it's really like." I believe that is a lie from Satan himself. I have been a follower of Jesus for 14 years now and I have never been so in love with Jesus or so alive in his Spirit as I am today. I believe that Jesus is alive and active and we are replicas of him when we pursue him in prayer and in his word, but also are willing to boldly obey the Holy Spirit in faith.  Of course I've gone through spiritually dry times, but I have let those times drive me towards God and his word. Living for Jesus is about putting my all in and it is the most rewarding thing I have ever chosen in my life.


If I could go back and talk to my teenage self, I would probably tell myself that while life isn't a fairy tale, it is a wonderfully joyful and exciting journey full of struggles, victories, and beautiful sunsets. Don't let anyone tell you different. 

Ignorance Is Bliss?

Some one jokingly made a comment to me the other day about wishing they could have just stayed in the womb and never had to experience life.  He meant it as a bitter joke, but it really bothered me. I knew that what he was saying came from a deeper struggle that every human experiences in their life:  the more you know and experience life, the harder and more painful your life becomes.  And still many people can attest to the more that one experiences, the greater the joy and hope that accompanies the hardships.

This got me thinking.

I began looking at life like a number scale.  When a person is born, the depth of pain or joy is at 0 because they haven't experienced life at all yet.  As they grow up, the difficulties of life increase (negative numbers) but the joys of life increase too (positive numbers).  The "gap" of knowledge and experience grows.  For some people, it seems to me that their life is deeply in the negative numbers.  They've lost a spouse, witnessed a horrific event, been abandoned, or even abused other people.  Other people, however, seem to be living a great life living in the positive numbers. They have a successful career, no straining relationships, no great loss, etc.  

As a Christian, I have hope in this evil and difficult world.  Hope that Jesus is coming back one day to judge the world and its evil and to redeem his people. Hope that He will reward those who follow, trust, and obey Him in the future.  Hope that He will make all things new and right. The more we see the evil and tragedies, the greater we cling to hope and the greater we see God working and understand Him.   So as the "gap" in the number line of life increases, the more we can experience God himself!  The deeper the pain, the deeper His healing.  The greater the suffering, the greater the hope of reward.  The darker the evil, the brighter the goodness and truth. 

So maybe ignorance isn't actually bliss. Maybe the true bliss is getting to know the perfect, beautiful, truly good God in a deeper, more satisfying way then ever before.  And if that means pain and suffering, well then, bring it on.

Beginnings

Have you ever found yourself with a jumble of thoughts crowding your mind?  A question is boggling you, a concept is frustrating you; yet there is nothing to relieve the confusion but to write it all down?

Contemplations is the place for me to sift through the chaos of my mind.  Somehow I always articulate my thoughts better when I'm talking or sharing with other people.

I've never considered myself a writer and I can guarantee I will ramble. And yet, I enjoy delving into life's hard issues and being reminded of truths.

You don't have the read this blog if you don't want to.  But maybe somewhere in these posts you'll find something worth contemplating yourself.